50 MURPHY's LAW FOR MILITARY POLICE



  1. Your brassard won't stop bullets.
  2. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
  3. Don't look conspicuous - it antagonizes officers.
  4. When in doubt, empty your shotgun.
  5. Never share a patrol car with anyone braver than you.
  6. Not wearing body armor attracts bullets and knives.
  7. "Bullet proof" vests aren't.
  8. If your response goes well, you're at the wrong barracks.
  9. Your Patrol Supervisor will show up when you're doing something really stupid.
  10. The time it takes to respond to an emergency is inversely proportional to the importance of the call.
  11. The warrant you don't read is the one you'll serve at the wrong quarters.
  12. No matter how you write it, the Duty Room NCO will want it changed.
  13. If you charge in all alone, you'll be shot by your own officers.
  14. The diversion you're ignoring is the actual crime.
  15. The important things are always simple.
  16. The simple things are always hard.
  17. The easy ways are always blocked.
  18. The short cuts are always under construction by the base engineers.
  19. Anything you do can get you in trouble - including doing nothing.
  20. When you've secured a crime scene, don't forget to tell the officers.
  21. Using the siren and light to clear traffic - only attracts traffic.
  22. It only becomes a riot right after you show up.
  23. If you take out the newest patrol car, you'll have an accident.
  24. No street-wise unit ever passed inspection.
  25. No inspection-ready unit ever makes it on the streets.
  26. The thing you really need, will be left back at the MP Station.
  27. Radios will fail as soon as you desperately need back-up.
  28. Torch batteries always die, just when you really need light.
  29. Military working dogs attack anything that moves - including you.
  30. The helicopter will always be low on fuel, as soon as you need it.
  31. You'll find the suspect you want, when you're off-duty and unarmed.
  32. If you respond to more than your fair share of calls, you'll have more than your fair share of calls to respond to.
  33. The suspect will escape, just before you set up a good perimeter.
  34. The dependent who screams loudly when you don't show up quickly enough, also screams loudly when you do.
  35. The weight of the dead body you'll have to carry is proportional to the amount of stairs you'll have to climb.
  36. Fatalities always occur at the end of shift - or when it rains and snows.
  37. Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
  38. Contary to popular belief - general officers don't get tickets.
  39. You won't get called to a court martial - unless it's your day off.
  40. Take off your hat and the MP Duty Officer shows up.
  41. Empty guns - aren't.
  42. Your two minute "back-up" is always actually ten minutes away.
  43. The alley you sprint down, is the wrong alley.
  44. Tasting suspected drugs works - but only on TV or in the movies.
  45. Suspects always hide in the last place you look.
  46. Soldiers always need you, and find you - when you're eating.
  47. There's no second place in a gunfight.
  48. Better to be judged by twelve, than carried by six.
  49. Professional criminals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
  50. Admit nothing, deny everything, demand proof - then blame a Private.
  51. Don't stand, if you can sit - don't sit, if you can lay down - if you can lay down, you might as well take a nap.
  52. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They punch, kick and choke harder too.
  53. The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you have been an MP.
  54. Tear gas works on MP's too, and regardless of the wind direction, will always blow back in your face.
  55. High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.
  56. Flash suppressors don't really.
  57. If you have "cleared" the rooms and met no resistance, you and your partner have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.
  58. If a MP swings a baton in a fight, he will hit MP's more often than he will the bad guys.
  59. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of relatively few available weapons (living room) to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).
  60. When a civilian sees flashing blue lights approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane that the MP wants to use.
  61. Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.
  62. The longer you've been an MP, the shorter your flashlight and temper gets.